Monday, April 2, 2007

Bull$hit, Pt. II

Park Avenue in the 50's (aka., "Wall Street North") is known for my bosses the ostenatatious little $hits who occupy window offices looking south toward the Waldorf, feet on their desks, chit-chatting away on their 20-line standard-issue telephones while reviewing an email on a blackberry instead of looking at their 35-times larger flat-screen monitor only 28 inches from their nose.

Maybe the Avenue makes the man, because half of the bosses on the block are 50% talk, 40% dictator and 10% knowledgable about anything "real" whatsoever. It's becoming a delagating cluster-f*ck.

MD: I sent you an email this morning outlining a new, innovative bond structure we need to analyze, include in the model we distributed earlier, update the overview with same, and get it out.

(Of course, the first hint that you're working with a real winner is when they verbally refer to what they just said as "same".)

MD: So round everyone up, and get it done, okay?

me: Of course. I've got Rob on the model, and Sean and I will be updating all the materials to reflect the changes well into the night.

MD: Good. Clear the decks and let's make sure it gets done tonight.

Fair enough request, right? But it's the "we" and "us" parts that really pisses me off. These guys bring in the deal, don't do anything on the execution side besides create more work and f*ck up "tweak" what's already been done by the deal team. The delegation of meaningless tasks and demands of the tiniest changes ultimately result in hundreds, if not thousands of man hours spent making changes that will in no way re-shape the transaction or alter the deal's economics, forgetting the fact that the likelihood of the deal ever getting done in the first place is slim to none.

It's like we're all back in 7th grade [American] football, where Coach Fisher tells 4-foot-3, 80-pound Jimmy how to properly tackle the running back on the end-around play. Jimmy goes home and practices day and night for a week, even skips school to practice more, and regularly stays in his backyard until well past his bedtime. But at the end of the day, Jimmy is still 4-foot-3, 80 pounds, destined to jockey at Belmont Park.

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